Saturday, March 10, 2012

How To Get Through A Separation In Marriage (My Story)

I have recently started the separation process and I really believe there is always someone who has it worse off than your life so I want to share mine and this experience just in case someone is goin through similar or worse.

Back in December I decided I need to break free of my 11yr marriage. I got married when I was 18yrs and he was 33yrs old then. We got married super fast and we only lived together 2 months before we did after meeting on a chat line over the phone. I was one who didn't believe in divorce and for the last 2 yrs I had to fight within me to get past that. I lived my life bein controlled in my marriage, I changed so much for him I lost me in all the 11 yrs. I prayed everyday that he would ask for a divorce but he never did so this is for anyone who is waiting for their partner to do it first.... Take a stand no matter if you are afraid of hurting them you have to think of you first. With me I had been unhappy for so long and had gotten to the point where I didn't care about life anymore, or how I looked or anything I was at my lowest point and he brought me there. I have been physically abused before not by my husband but most people think that is the worst but from my experience 11yrs of mental abuse added up to take more out of me than the one hit I got from a guy in my past. So don't ever think mental abuse isn't serious.

I was so compassionate in everything that even after the separation or at least me saying I wanted it I let hims tay in my house for 2 months so he could get away out of here. I do not recommend anyone doin this maybe a couple weeks but it put such an emotional burden on me I turned to drinking in the beginning. When I realized bein drunk wasn't helpin I turned to god to make me stronger. Although I know without god I would have just gave up already but even then it has been such a struggle. I think if you see your ex tryin to get away out of your home then maybe a little more time limit is allowed than 2 weeks but if not they need to get out so you can DO YOU! It is hard to start over again especially if it is a long relationship like mine. I depended on him for so long but we had more cons than pros in our relationship so it wasn't worth working out. Once you can get mad at them though it will help your process better I remember the first time I got mad cause throughout him living here he wanted to push me every couple days of getting back together and eventually it just set me off and I was cold.

2nd time was 2 weeks ago when he tried to cost me everything I was and had worked for I told him I'm officially done. You have 2 weeks to get out of my house or the police will escort you out. I had finally got tired of all the emotional downs it was givin me I was at the bottom and all he was doin now was just practically kicking me. When the 2 weeks was up which was the 6th of this month which of course was only a couple days ago I helped him pack his bags told him goodbye and he got on a bus and left the state. I thought everything was over at this point I never knew that it was still gonna be hard. the first day I slept tryin to get my energy back up and bring the stress level down of all the emotional baggage I had in the last couple months. Then I get a phone call the day before yesterday which was only a day after he left of him dogging me and belittling me over the phone then still tryin to control me and my life. I spent that day in tears and even yesterday before I realized a controlling person is nothin more than a image.

Let me explain the people that control you know what buttons to push and what they can throw over your head to get you to do what they want. So the goal is to take those things out of the equation. I can't tell you how to do this cause it depends on what it is but find away to do this then stand your ground in front of them and let them know your not scared anymore and that they can't control you anymore. When they see this most cases they back down if nothin more than for a bit of time for you to figure out what to do next. My case I've now blocked my ex from just about everything online and told him now I'm in control turn things in reverse see how they like it. I told him I will leave him on my skype but block him so when its time for the divorce to go through I will contact him then other than that I hold the key. As for then I let him know if he decides to avoid me when it comes time then I really didn't need him anyways so either way I can do it on my own if he doesn't want to make it faster.

Key thing is put your foot down like he told me he wanted to be friends I said maybe one day I don't know at this point but I will let you know when I'm ready to so I'm the one in control he says well maybe by then I won't want you as a friends and I simply replied and I won't lose any sleep over it either way. It is hard to let go of someone in your life when they have been there so long but always weight the pros and cons, don't make irrational decisions without takin time to know its what you want. It took me 2 whole years to know upfront I felt nothin for him anymore that I wasn't in love with him. Take a stand don't wait for them to its your life take control of it now before its too late, never lose sight of what matters most to you and make that a goal to work towards, find yourself in everything you do and remember this is a new beginning for you and is all about YOU!!! Its hard to think that way if your like me I have never tried to be selfish but in some cases like this you do have to.

2 amazing comments:

BethElderton said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Oh boy...I can relate to so much of what you've been through and are going through! What I know from my experience is that it will take some time to know yourself **I remember a point when I was standing in a grocery store thinking, "Why the hell am I buying this? This is what HE likes, not what I like!"**
Take care of yourself.

Danyale N. said...

yeah i think it takes time when you have been with someone so long.... you know what they are used to so its hard to break a habit but I tell you once I realized it was so much of emotional abuse bein mad with him is helpin me so much more through the steps but thank you :)